Thursday, December 30, 2010

Dave and Buster's

It is just so freakin' cool to be sitting here in Dave and Buster's while my son and his little friend play games and compose a blog post on my frakin' awesome iPad. Had I mentioned that I got one for Xmas? No? Well I did...and the spell check on here is also freakin' awesome. I can't figure how to upload a picture yet, but I will work on that. Just you wait!

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Do my posts look any more awesome whence typed on my iPad?

Yeah, I thought so.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Is this thing on???

It is 3:30 on Christmas Eve. I have just finished my first bottle of wine. I have run my finger along the edge of the french dip container. "A League of Their Own" is on, an email of good ta-ta tidings in my in box. This is the perfect day. Snow falling, eggnog fudge cooling in the fridge. I love life.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Best Xmas Present Ever (non-jewelry category)!

 Do you see the dust that I see? And what the fuck is up with that snowman's belly button?
There, Buckethead. Now stop harassing me and Rae.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Friday, November 26, 2010

It's My Party...

...and I'll Chryifiwant2!

Yes, that's right. I'm having a party and y'all are invited! As you can see, I bought plenty of food. Oh, and a gallon of milk, just in case. So, put your dancing shoes on and I will see you Sunday from 2 until 6. I have plenty of wine and jello shooters. And food, of course. If anyone shows up I will take their picture and post it!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Back in Business

Okay, I'm going to the wine store because I have a lot of work to do! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Not to worry

Here it is, one week later, and once again I'm drinking.

But don't worry. Nothing inappropriate. I'm watching the game and shake and baking some pork chops.

The wisdom teeth are out and I am gonna schedule a 2 for 1 boob smash with my friend Rae. Everything is good.

I'll try and post a pic of my awesome manicure later.

Love ya!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Be Afraid

OK, first of all...I don't like this laptop.

Second of all?

I got off work at 11, was home by 11:45, and that whole big bottle of wine?



And pre3vacid?

Doesn't work as good as prilosec and I am outta FSA.

And obamacare doesn't include FSA in the reform and  I need heartburn relief.

And I'm a democrat, y'all.

I can't turn off italics cuz I drNK THAT WHIOLE BITTLE OFF

Caps off? Yes. Italics???


OMG laptops r hard, y'all.


Friday, October 1, 2010

My Apologies

Okay, girls, I have to make this quick. I snuck into my daughter's room (Really, SpellCheck? Snuck is so a word!) to use her laptop because I still don't have a computer and it is really hard to blog on the wii. Rae doesn't seem to care about that, though. No, she thinks I've been slacking.  And she's right.

But, I have been blogging all along. It's just been in my head.  And I have been brilliant. And so have you! Your comments have really kept me going. In my head.

Now, I just want to share some crazy news with you. This afternoon while I was lounging in my chair in my pajamas, watching a marathon of Glee Season 1 and crying like the little girl I am, someone stopped at my house and knocked on my door. Right in the middle of Sue Sylvester's Vogue video. Generally I don't answer the door in my pajamas, but I was totally gobsmacked by a visitor at 3:30 in the afternoon so I opened the door. There was a young lady standing there. Do you know what she wanted? Do you? She wanted to know if that was my super awesome green car parked in the driveway! When I answered in the affirmative she told me that her sister was filming a music video tomorrow morning at the junior high and would I please bring it by there so they could use it in said video. 


I said sure, no problem. Centralia Junior High School at 8:30 until 11.

Oops, looks like I'm gonna be late for work!

The artisit's name is Skiddals, apparently. I read about it in the paper a day or two ago. I think it's hiphop. I don't really care. I can not believe this woman drove all the way out into the country to find my car! Of course I will be there!

When it gets on youtube I will post a link so y'all can see it.

Oh, and we are probably cutting beans next week so that means that I can get a new computer and will be back to blogging soon!

Now I need to get back to Sue and the gang so I can hurry up and start watching this season of Glee on the dvr. I am dying to see Britney/Brittany!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Guess What?

Yeah, that's my bacon tray up in the upper right corner. My whole house smells of bacon right now. Mmmmm.

Just so you know, I had a fabuloso hair day today and I drove all over creation in my awesome car with the sun roof open, blowing my curly red hair all over the place, feeling like a goddess. Then I gave blood.

Then I drank wine, and wine, and wine. And my husband came home, and we were all alone. The End.


Friday, August 13, 2010

Hello, Bloggers...

...Did you miss me? Huh? 'Cause I sure missed you.

No, really, I did!

But I've been kinda busy, what with my new car and all (yes, I think you should go and look at it again).

And I am STILL having crazy computer issues. Right now I am using my old computer that runs Windows 98. Remember how awesome Windows 98 was? Yeah, me either. It sucks balls.

But school starts Tuesday and I should be able to get back into the swing of things. This is the second week of the summer that I have only worked 40 hours and it is pretty awesome. The ole OT has just about dried up and I am ready to get back to some WhineTime.

Just to be clear, there was plenty of WineTime this summer. I don't want you to think I was derelict in all of my duties.

So? Here's to us...let's catch up soon, m'kay?

Friday, July 9, 2010

checking in

Just letting you know...I'm still here.  I have a new car!!  It's most beautamous and once I find my camera I will show you.

Prepare to be amazed!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Hello, Bloggers

Yes, I'm still here.  Things have been crazy and my computer sucks.  I am currently inebriated in Nashville.

Oh, guess what?  I'm n the market for a new car.  I'm so excited.  I think I will get it next's awesome.  I'll let you know.

I'm really sorry that my daily blog posting fell apart for June.  I had great things to tell you.  We'll all admire my new car when I get it.  In the mean time I'll look for a new knock knock joke.

Teaser:  It's green!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Impatient Cow

Impatient C..


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Technical difficulties

I am having to type this out on my wii. My computer is crap. All of you should try to post on your wii with that damn remote or whatever you call this thing. Ah, yes, the controller vibrating in your hand. How does it make that noise? Why does it make that noise?

Seriously...this has taken me like 10 minutes. I'm outty.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Cinco de Juno

Since the writing prompt wasn't up early enough yesterday I thought I would save it for today (since there aren't any for the weekends).

Friday, June 4, 2010
What's the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of your father?

Um.  No.

This is father's day month, isn't it?  Crap.  Well, I don't have time for this. 

Wait, yes I do.  The absolute first thing that pops into my head is vodka and lemonade.

There...that wasn't so bad.  I'm sure there will be more father-related posts this month and I will deal with it when they come (I said come).  I have to go to my regular shift of 11 am to 11 pm this weekend and work with people that I really don't care for so I don't need to be making an emotional wreck out of myself right now.

By the way, I sure did sleep good yesterday after that wine.  Didn't have a headache or anything, either!

Friday, June 4, 2010

June Superfecta

It's 8:30 in the morning...guess what I'm doing?

Yes, my friends, that is cheap box o'wine in that plastic cup.  The absolute best part of working midnights is coming home and drinking!  It makes it almost worthwhile.

Fussy hasn't posted the writing prompt for today and I need to go to bed so I can get up and go back to work at 7 pm.  Did I mention that I am working. Every. Single. Day. Until June 17th?  Lots of whine in your futures, dumplings.

Where was I?  I don't know.  Guess I'll just clear up a thing or two from the previous posts.

No, I don't wear daisy dukes.  But I could if I wanted to.  I just meant that I don't have to cover up from head to toe in dark wool.  I probably should, but that's another post altogether.

(whoo, wine goes straight to your head when you've been up for 23 hours)

Um.  Yeah.  Lost it.  Huh.  Well, technically this counts as posting every day for June.  Screw the prompts.  It's my blog after all.

Oh, yeah, now I remember;  Blagojevich.  That's my esteemed former Illinois governor that I voted for twice.  Hey, Buckethead, remember when we shunned the republicans at the Halloween Parade and that one lady yelled at you and you told her you loved your Tennessee.  Good times.  Norway.

Okay, I am officially goofy.  I need to go to bed.  See y'all tomorrowish.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

June Troika

Thursday, June 3, 2010
Define "freedom."

Oh that Fussy.  How does she come up with these things?

It's too hard.  I don't get too serious here.

Sheesh.  I've written and re-written.  I don't know.

Being fortunate enough to be born here, freedom is something I take for granted.  I can't imagine living in a place where I couldn't pick up a newspaper and read about what a schmuck my ex-governor is.  I also can't imagine living in a place where I wasn't given the opportunity to vote for said schmuck not just once, but twice.  Not only was I given that opportunity but I availed myself of it.  You're welcome, America.

I can put on a pair of daisy dukes, drink a beer, and go outside and shoot a gun.  Not all women can do that.  Isn't that sad?  This is truly a great country.

I hope tomorrow is easier.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

june the duece

Writing Prompt for June 2:

What's your favorite poem (and if you don't have one, why)?

Ok, I'm not a poetry person.  I remember swooning to a couple of sonnets in high school, but I don't have the inclination to go looking for them now.

Then I thought, I really liked that I Sing the Body Electric song that they sang at the end of the movie Fame.

Guess what?  The only thing that song has in common with Walt Whitman's poem is the title.  Have you read that particular part of Leaves of Grass?  That dude is kinda pervy.  I like it.  But I like the song better (no talk of bowels).

I sing the body electric
I celebrate the me yet to come
I toast to my own reunion
When I become one with the sun

And I'll look back on Venus
I'll look back on Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

I sing the body electric
I glory in the glow of rebirth
Creating my own tomorrow
When I shall embody the earth

And I'll serenade Venus
I'll serenade Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

We are the emperors now
And we are the czars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

June the first

As if I don't have enough crap going on...I thought I'd try to blog every day this month. 

nablopomo has writing prompts every day, so here goes:

Writing Prompt for Tuesday, June 1, 2010

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a cocktail waitress.  For reals.  I wanted to wear that little frilly tutu skirt and fishnet hose and carry drinks around on a tray.

Awesome.  Now I feel like a failure.

See you tomorrow.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

LOST (no spoiler)

Ooh, look, it's a twofer.

Since Beth is a few episodes behind I won't ruin it. But. Best. Ending. Ever.

Just beautiful.


Hello Poppets!  I haven't forgotten you, I've just been busy with all this graduation nonsense.  Oh, and I got a wii for Mother's Day and I've been playin' the hell out of it.  Seriously.  My shoulder hurts from all the bowling and tennis.

But today was the big day and now I am left here all alone to drink my box o' wine and cry because my daughter just stormed out of the house, slamming all the doors, because I won't let her spend the night at her boyfriend's house. That's stupid! she screamed.

Oh, well.  That wasn't the first time (by far) and evidently will not be the last time she will scream at me.  At least the outbursts are fewer and further between.

Other than that we had a lovely house got cleaned in between wii games and I cooked enough food for the county.  My neighbors stopped by and came inside my house for the first time in 13 years.  My grandparents and aunt came all the way from Iowa.  Only 3 important people were missing and I didn't cry once because of it (until now).


I'm back to 60 hour work weeks starting tomorrow but I am ready to give my new blogging schedule a go.  Hope to be chatting with you fine folks soon.  I have wine to drink and four and a half hours of LOST to watch.  See you soon.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

May Fete

This will give you an idea of what the May Pole looked like.  My daughter is the only one in green...she comes into the shot front and center around 1:45 I believe.             


Friday, May 7, 2010

Five Things

I really don't understand this fascination with my inner machinations.  I am not that interesting and I am about to prove it.


1.  In this house
2.  Working the same exact job
3.  Volunteering at the grade school (I miss that)
4.  My truck had not been mutilated
5.  I didn't have any gray hair


1.  In this house with no children, a remodeled kitchen, a hot tub, and no gray hair
2.  At my new job in the Chem Lab working a much better schedule
3.  Driving a new Camaro
4.  Still waiting for grandkids
5.  Able to afford someone to come in and dust my house


1.  Have a "date" with my husband at 1:00 (sorry, y'all, but it is #1 on my list)
2.  Take a shower after said date
3.  Make this rice because Melody hasn't got around to telling me if it's any good or not
4.  Go back to May Fete with Aunt Buckethead and cry some more
5.  Try to convince Aunt Buckethead that we really need to drink those hurricanes tonight


1.  Fritos Scoops with salsa mixed with sour cream
2.  Beefy 5 layer burritos from Taco Bell
4.  Raspberry Bliss Chocolates
5.  Pistachios (right, Aunt Buckethead?) 


1.  Buy that 37 acres on Kaskaskia Island and build a house that could float
2.  Make sure kids had nice houses and severely limited trust funds
3.  Buy an Escalade
4.  Give to charities
5.  Help the libraries in Mt. Vernon and Centralia 

Now I'm supposed to tag five others but I bet most of you have already done it.  If you have, leave me a comment with a link to the post you already did.  If you haven't already done it but would like to, leave me a comment letting me know and I will stop by and find out how much more fascinating you are than me! 

The Award

You know, when I asked for your old badges, I didn't expect to have to work for them.  I just wanted to stick them up in my sidebar and proudly display them as my own.  But no.  I have to be all introspective and crap.  Sheesh.

The rules are that I have to list 3 good things about myself.  Hmmm.

1.  I am extremely loyal.  Like a dog loyal.  If you don't like somebody, I don't like somebody.  If you don't carry a grudge against someone who has done you wrong?  I'll carry it for you.  Forever.

2.  I am the world's best quarters player.  Never EVER been beaten.  (What's that you say?  You don't know what quarters is?  It's a drinking game.  You have to bounce a quarter into a shot glass.  If you make it, everyone else at the table has to drink.)  My secret weapon was dropping it off my nose!  I would hold the quarter up on the bridge of my nose between my eyes with my two thumbs.  Then I would let go and the quarter would roll down my nose, bounce once on the table, then land right in the shot glass.  Every.  Single.  Time.  I haven't actually played this game in 20 years or so but every now and again I get my Elvis shot glass down just to see if I can still do it.  Of course I can.  It's just like riding a bike!

3.  I have nice handwriting.  When we started learning cursive in third grade I had a really hard time.  I had D's in penmanship for 2 years.  I had a really nice teacher in 5th grade and she gave me some books to use to practice with and I worked really hard and got the best penmanship award out of the whole school!  I still have that certificate somewhere.  If I take my time I can still write just like I did in 5th grade, which looks just like the writing in those books she gave me..

You would not believe how long it took me to come up with those 3 things.  May not be that earth-shattering of revelations, but it was the best I could do.  Please don't make me do this again!  But I will still gladly take your old unwanted badges, no strings attached.  And Yvonne, I think I can get one of your elebenty thousand badges off your blog if you will let me take one.  I kind of have my eye on one.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I Need Your Steenking Badges!

Hey, blogaholics!  This nice lady told me how to add badges to my blog!  I already added two...see them right over there on the right?  So, if you have some badges you're not using or would like to get rid of, give them to me!  I'll stick 'em up over there.  I don't care what they are.  Well, that's not entirely true.

We should totally start a freecycle for blog badges!

My Little Oedipus

Son:  Kassi watches Friends every afternoon after school.

Me:  Cool.

Son:  And she likes Bruce Springsteen.  And Elvis Costello.

Me:  Awesome!

Son:  And she really likes The Office.

Me:  I know.

Son:  I think she's you.

Me:  She doesn't look anything like me...

Son:  You're prettier.

Me:  Do you have enough gas?  Here's $20.

Monday, May 3, 2010

A to Z Recap

Whew. I'm glad that's over.

I found out about the challenge from my blogtacular friend Rae (maybe you've heard me mention her?).  I have taken part in NaBloPoMo, both successfully and unsuccessfully, so I thought I would give this one a try.  I thought having a letter to blog about each day would make it easier.

Um.  No.

I had a lot of fun, though.  It was kind of intoxicating there at the beginning, when I started to get followers and comments.  Then it became kind of stressful and I had a little meltdown there around U and V. 

But I made it through, thanks to some of my new friends, like her and her.  They really kept me going!

I don't think I will be able to post 6 or 7 times a week, but I am definitely going to try to develop a schedule with certain types of posts for certain days.  I may even set aside one day a week to write the posts that I listed in my (U)npost that I really wanted to blog about.  I need to get back to my whiny roots, that's for darn sure. 

I wish I had figured out how to post the badge on my blog.  I was trying not to show my ignorance after the whole comment debacle.  And I have no idea what this linky link thing is, but I will give it a try.

All in all, I really enjoyed this challenge and I am thankful to arlee bird for all his hard work. 

Friday, April 30, 2010


...or prozac.  I'm not picky.

It's been a helluva month and I am glad it is over.  I really hope that I will stop waking up in the middle of sleep time (which isn't always night time) thinking about blog posts.  And then not being able to go back to sleep.  That sucks balls.

My next big task is getting us through May Fete (here are some pictures).  My daughter is wrapping the May Pole.  Look all the way at the bottom of that page in the link to see that.  Only hers won't look anything like that because they aren't wearing matching dresses.  And the streamers are black and gray.  They are calling it the Trash Pole.  I'm sure it will be lovely, anyway.

Then, of course, is the small matter of graduation.  I can't see any way around cleaning my house.  I would hire it done but I think I still have to pick up my shit and put it away somewhere, so what's the point?  We are going to have an open house for her so I need to break out the old chocolate fountain and see if it is still slinging chocolate everywhere.  So I shouldn't start cleaning before that.  And I will have to eat an ass-load of chocolate, too, because that is what it takes to fill up the chocolate fountain--an ass-load.  Said chocolate fountain was a 40th b-day present from bff (who claims to be reading this blog again--we'll see if she really is:  Hi Aunt Buckethead!)

Okay.  Well, it's very much like me to go out on a low note, so I think I'll just leave my zoloft reference where it is and call it good.  Guess there is a "What I Did For My A to Z Challege" post on Monday (or is it tomorrow? Guess I better check on that) and then we can officially be done. Yay!

Thursday, April 29, 2010


What's that you might ask?

I don't really know.  I'm not even sure that's how you spell it.

When I first moved to this place I thought everybody was talking about the family from the tv show Dallas.  You know, the Ewin's.  And I couldn't figure out why for the life of me.

My best guess is that it is a contraction for you ones.

Southern Illinois is a really funny place, phonetically. Hey, it's a word; spellcheck says so.

A lot of people around here have quite a southern-style twang, yet instead of using the correct word, ya'll, they say you'uns.  Even the school teachers, who are mostly somewhat educated.  A lot of these people say warsh, too, which I always thought was a more yankee thing.

In Iowa, where I lived until I was 15, we drank pop.  When I moved to Tennessee we drank coke.  Not Coke, coke.  As in, "What do you want to drink?"  "I'll have a coke."  "What kind?"  "Mountain Dew."  Here?  Soda.  Actually, it's pronounced SO-dee.  That particular word I have actually taken a shine to.  I say it all the time.

Another thing they get wrong around here?  Chipmunks.  Everybody (in Des Moines, IA) knows they are squinnies.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

(x)m and me

(First, I have to tell you that I have been feverishly singing the abc's to myself trying to figure out what letter I missed...I wrote my W post yesterday--Monday--and scheduled it for Tuesday--today. I had to go look at the calendar where my daughter was kind enough to write out all the letters on their corresponding days because she knows me so well.  When I saw all the other W posts when I was sitting down to compose my X post, I got really confused.  Then I remembered that I scheduled it because I had to work until 3 am and I wasn't getting up until noon because I have to work until 3 am again tonight and then get up at noon so I can go back to work again on Wednesday, but that is only for 8 hours, so...what?  Oh, yeah.  It's Tuesday and I am writing my X post for tomorrow instead of cooking something for my family to eat tonight because I love ya'll so much.)

One of the best presents I ever got was an xm radio.  I had heard about it and asked for one for Christmas.  I was promptly shot down.

"I ain't payin' money for you to listen to the radio!"

(That was my husband, btw.)

Well, he did a little asking around and all the people he found that had one all really liked it and said they were sure that I would really enjoy it.  So he bought one, and a fancy boombox adapter thingy for the house as well as the car set up.  Then he waited for Christmas to roll around.

I cried when I opened it.  He loves to do that to me.  He will now tell you that it was the best money he ever spent.  I listen to it all the time and I have heard so many artists that I never would have.  I usually listen to the 70's station--that's where I learned that Bruce Springsteen had written "Blinded By The Light".  If you listen to his version you may even be able to understand some more of the words (it isn't "wrapped up like a douche" after all).

One night coming home from work I was listening to the alt. country station and heard a bluegrass version of Dirty Deeds by Ac/Dc. 

You're welcome.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


The one thing I wish I could blog about is my work.

But I'm afraid to.

I have one friend at work (really, it's true) that knows about this blog.  He and I are someday going to start a blog together if he ever gets a new laptop.  Anyway, some of my other co-workers have overheard us talking about it and have expressed an interest in it, but I don't want them here!  How can I talk about them if they are going to read it?

I keep hearing how you are supposed to be really careful about what you put out on the web because someday it may bite you in the ass; you know, keep you from getting a job or something.  I have no professional aspirations, factory-related, so I'm not really concerned with that.  But I did sign a confidentiality agreement 15 years ago.  That was before blogs, so that wasn't exactly what they had in mind.  It's more like not discussing the inner machinations with reporters (they actually try to enforce that one every time we have a union drive) and taking pictures because we evidently have some top-secret stuff in there.

Now that everybody has a cell phone that's hard to enforce.  I actually took a picture of a mural they painted on a bathroom wall once because it was just so bizarre I wanted to show my husband.  I felt like a spy trying to covertly snap some secret documents for the government.  I probably wouldn't get fired for that.  But there is a piece of equipment that blew up about a month ago and I have to walk by it every day.  It just flew apart mid-cycle one day and now it is cordoned off with caution tape and there is a note taped up to it explaining that the weld just blew in the middle of the cycle--not opening or closing.  It looks like it has been bombed and it is kind of scary to walk by because crap went flying everywhere when it happened and somebody could have been killed.  They might fire me for taking a picture of that.

I work with some real assholes and I would love to tell you about them but it would be really awkward to have to stand next to them for 12 hours while they are glaring at me thinking You call me Melonhead and now everybody calls me that behind my back and you told the whole internet that I have a great big head and like to look at child porn? 

That could be uncomfortable.

Monday, April 26, 2010


You know, this A to Z Challenge has made me stretch my brain muscles to come up with these posts.  I'm sure that was the point, and I think it is a fine one.


I'm not sure that it's for me.

I started this blog so I could whine and gripe about things in my life.  Things that I realize aren't important to anyone but me.

And that's okay.

Then I found Rae.  Well, actually, she found me. And it was nice to hear from her, have her leave me a comment.  And I would read her posts when I could (she sure is prolific) and comment when I could think of something to say.  No pressure.  Then I read she was taking part in the Challenge, and I thought I can do that.

And it was fun, too.  Then people started dropping by and saying nice things and that was awesome!  But the pressure.  Did.  Not.  Like.  I began to dread the thought of logging on; having to sit down and write something that someone else would like to read.  Ick.

Now, I realize that this is pressure I am putting on  myself.  None of you said or did anything that made me feel like this.  (Except you, person who stopped following are the only sane one here and we should all follow your lead!)  So I wrote my unpost; the one post that made me laugh the most out of all of these.  And then I did something I regret.  I changed it so it wouldn't be that offensive.  Yes, ya'll, it was worse than what you read.  But it was pure, unadulterated me and I liked it.  But I didn't think you would like it so I changed it and I've been pissed off ever since. 

So, where do I stand now?  In my living room in my panties.  Actually I'm sitting.  No, really.  I'm going to finish this challenge because I started it (only 4 to go!) and then I'm going to go back to drinking too much wine and complaining about my hair.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


So,  these are just some of the topics I could have posted about this month, but didn't. Mostly because they are totally inappropriate. You've been warned.

(A)blations are awesome

(B)ooty calls

(C)anadians--why I hate them

(D)umb people make me angry

(E)verybody loves oral

(F)**k--the most versatile word in the English language
         (honestly! it's a noun! it's a verb! it's an adjective!)

(G)ermans aren't much better than Canadians

(H)ello herpes

(I) please myself

(J)ust say no to Jehovah's Witnesses


(L)ove in the afternoon

(M)oms do it, too

(N)aked time

(O)h I am noticing a trend

(P)lease don't mention sex anymore


(R)eally? Queefs?

(S)o much for no sex

(T)hat's the spot


I actually had some even worse ones but I didn't think you could handle it. And before you tell me not to be prejudice, I have a very good reason to not like Canadians and Germans. I know that aren't all bad; just most of them are.

And I promise I won't post about (V)aginas on Monday.

Friday, April 23, 2010

(T)enacious C

It's official, Interwebz. I'm out of topics. No clue. Me and my blogalicious friend Rae are both surprised that I have managed to make it this far, but it is all about to come to a screeching halt I'm afraid.

I could post about my stripper name, I suppose;  (T)inkerbell (T)edder. Eh.

I could post about that (T)asty chicken I had today. But guess what? It wasn't as awesome as I had hoped it would be. That zesty sauce is kinda gross.

(T)ennessee is just too obvious.

It was probably apparent yesterday that I was running out of ideas. I don't want to have to post another youtube video. But, hey, I just had an idea for (U) for tomorrow. Yay! Boy, are you in for a treat.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

(S)pringsteen at the (S)ommett

I was there, ya'll, and it was awesome. This here combines my love of Bruce and my guilt over the dog.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

(R)ocky Top, (R)hubarb (R)ecipe, and a (R)eally Expensive Ironing Board

You may have figured out by now that my love of all things orange stems from my love of Tennessee. Since it's my blog and I can do whatever I want (and some of you people will read anything), here goes: 

I wanted to show you my church key because it wasn't working properly and it was really funny, but then it started to perform. Every. Single. Time. You can even hear me humming in the background:
Rocky Top was the first song I taught me kids to sing. True story. The second one was You Never Even Called Me By My Name by David Alan Coe. Then the Alphabet Song. That is why I won that Mother of the Year Award that one year.

Okay, on to rhubarb. I was on my way to buy some rhubarb plants Monday when I was so rudely interrupted. This is what I was hoping to make someday:  

Mexican Rhubarb Chocolate Chunk Brownies


For the rhubarb compote:

  • 1 cup rhubarb, strings removed, cut in 1/2-inch slices
  • 1/4 cup water
  • 2 tablespoons granulated sugar

For the brownie batter:

  • 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 tablespoon New Mexico chile powder (not chili powder)
  • 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
  • 2 ounces bittersweet chocolate
  • 2 ounces unsweetened chocolate
  • 1/2 cup unsalted butter (1 stick), room temperature
  • 1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
  • 2 large eggs, room temperature
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon dark rum
  • 2 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
  • 1/4 cup chopped walnuts
  • Shortening spray, for baking dish


Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
To make the rhubarb compote: In a small saucepan over medium heat, bring rhubarb, water and sugar to a boil. When sugar is dissolved, lower heat to a simmer and cook until rhubarb is soft, about 10 minutes. Remove from heat and cool slightly. Puree in a blender until smooth, if necessary. The rhubarb should break down to a smooth compote.
To make the brownie batter: In a medium bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, Chile powder, cinnamon and salt. Set aside. In a clean microwavable glass bowl, melt bittersweet and unsweetened chocolate together in the microwave at 50 percent power or in a double boiler. Set aside.
In a stand mixer, cream butter and sugar on medium speed. Add the eggs, 1 at a time, combining well. Add in the vanilla and rum. Stir the rhubarb into the chocolate mixture, then add to the batter. Mix until combined. Add the flour mixture and mix just until incorporated. Scrape down the sides with a rubber spatula and gently fold in the semisweet chocolate and walnuts. Do not over mix. Spray an 8 by 8 by 2-inch clear glass baking dish with shortening spray. Line bottom with parchment paper, then spray parchment. Pour batter into the prepared pan and smooth out top. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 35 to 40 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool. Cut into squares and serve.

Hopefully they won't be nasty. It could go either way.

And finally, about that $200 ironing board?

It came with instructions.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

(Q)ue Pasa USA

Do you remember this show?

We didn't get cable until I was in junior high school. We only had 4 channels, so I watched a LOT of pbs. I was probably the only 10 year old who watched The Forsythe Saga and Masterpiece Theater. I watched Julia Child, too. I still love her.

Even after we got cable I continued to watch Masterpiece. If it wasn't for that show I may have never found Jane Austen! For the record, I prefer the 1980 version that I saw on Masterpiece with this Mr. Darcy, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with this guy.

Oh, before I go, remember that pazillion things I had to do yesterday? My first stop was Anchor to get some tomato plants and look for some rhubarb and this is what I got, instead:

Well, you can't really see it there. Let's try this:

Yeah, I got hit. Never even saw it. Or felt it, for that matter. Poor girl that hit me can't say the same. My blue baby kept me safe but she is damaged and it hurts my heart. A lot. I love that truck too much. Needless to say I lost my initiative after that. I still managed to get to Kmart and spend $200! I bought an ironing board for pity's sake. I didn't think I hit my head, but I must have.

Monday, April 19, 2010

A (P)lethora of (P)s

I really have a (P)azillion (see how I did  that? Not gazillion, pazillion. With a p.) thing s to do today. After struggling with (N) and (O) I just have too many (P)s! And no time.

My first thought was a post on (P)oints. I'm a sucker for 'em. It all started with mypoints. I get emails everyday and I click on the link and get 5 points. Sometimes I am actually interested in whatever it is and I will buy it; sometimes I get points for signing up for a newsletter. I sent flowers to someone today and got 750 points. I have earned just about 50,000 points since I started and I redeem them for $50 amazon e-gift certificates every 7500 points. You can get all kinds of things with your points but I like amazon.

That's not so crazy--you can see the reward in all of those points. What is crazy is my incessant need to accumulate points at spark people. Spark People is a weight loss web site and they give out points for different activities. The funny thing is I got 25 points from mypoints for signing up at Spark People, but now every day I read emails from them and get 1 point. I log in every day and spin the wheel and get points. I even lie and say that I drink 8 glasses of water every day so I can get 5 points. Instead of availing myself of all the tools they have there to work on losing weight, I hoard points. And I can't even get anything with them! I'm up over 7500 now. They give me a little trophy icon according to how many points I have and I just eat it up.

The next (P) I thought of was (P)rotection. My son has a new girlfriend. He is 16. I got to have THE TALK with him Saturday morning. Lord knows if anyone is going to make me a grandma it is going to be him. His sister is almost 19 and is on the pill, paid for by me. I figured I should do the same for him. He says this girl is abstinent but we all know that doesn't last. I think I handled the conversation pretty well, except for all the nervous laughter. And I only lost my cool once, when he told me she was a vegetarian. "Good Lord, Son, I think I'd rather you bring home a baptist." And I'm only half kidding.

No, the (P) I finally settled on is (P)olka. I love it. There is a polka band from Ashley IL, which is only about 20 miles from here, that I have seen on the Big Joe Polka Show, but I can't remember their name. My daughter went to a car show in Ashley last summer and called me to tell me that they were there playing that "stupid song you like". She's a doll, really. I couldn't find anything on this band, of course, so I will leave you with a clip of the Polka Nuts:

I believe you can see them this Thursday night on Big Joe on RFDTV at 6pm Central time. (And I really hope there is beer in heaven.)

Saturday, April 17, 2010


It was documented earlier in the challenge that I am not a neat person. That makes this next piece of information all the more perplexing.

I work in a lab in a factory and we test samples there. These samples arrive in a tube through a pneumatic tube system, like at banks. We open the tube, cut pieces off of the samples to be tested, stack the remaining pieces up on the table in front of us, and send the tube back. We then load the cut pieces into the appropriate equipment to be tested. We have banks of these tube systems and depending on which side you are working on you are receiving tubes from 2 to 4 different places. Usually it is 3. So you have 3 stacks that you are working on at once.

Okay, so I'm a slob. I have no trouble living amid clutter and chaos. But when I am at work...I can't. My stacks have got to be perfect. I will stop what I am doing and re-stack them if they start getting wonky. When I come back from break I will re-stack what the relief person stacked while I am gone. My co-workers are all aware of this, shall we say, fetish of mine. Some of them will just leave my samples lying on the table if they have to cut any for me so I can stack them my own way.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if these stacks were important in any way, but they're not. At the end of the shift they are taken downstairs and recycled. Who cares if mine are the prettiest on the pallet? No one, that's who. And, no kidding, every day when I come back from break I tell myself to just let it go; it's not a big deal at all. But I just can't. I get this really heavy pressure in my chest and it gets really hard to breath and I hear a ringing in my ears. And I. Must. Re. Stack.

There, that's better.

Friday, April 16, 2010

(N)o Duh

I was informed at the beginning of this week that I am immature and mean.

No! You're kidding me!

I guess she thought this would be some kind of revelation to me, but, (N)o, it was (N)ot.

I'm not always mean, of course. I can be nice, when I want to be. As I get older, though, it seems that I can't hold my tongue quite so much and what I am thinking just comes tumbling out of my mouth and people construe it as mean. I like to think of myself as honest. Sorry if it stings. (This also applies to the keyboard. Add wine and we are in for a lot of fun).

And I am sure it is a sign of my immaturity that I can't keep my snide remarks to myself. At least that was this individual's thought. It quite possibly is true. I know that Miss Manners or Emily Post or one of those snooty bitches considers me immature because I like to cut all of my meat up before I eat it. That is not only immature but rude. I just don't want to have to stop to cut more once I get started so I cut it all right at the beginning. And if I am immature (and rude) in my table manners that it is not such a stretch that I would be immature (and rude) in other areas.

But you know what? I'm okay with it.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

(M)esses of (M)s

I racked my brain trying to coming up with an (M). I am really starting to have to work too hard at this!

First (M) in honor of my birthday:

(M)edicine. Getting old is such a joy. Four pills each morning and seven (!) each night. It got embarrassing to have all those bottles lined up by the kitchen sink so I got one of these handy things. My cholesterol medicine is in there, as well as prilosec, melatonin, and glucosamine and chondroitin.

The second (M) on my mind today? This (M)ess:

The satellite installation people tried to walk me through troubleshooting why one of our remotes no longer changes channels in one of the bedrooms. They wanted me to check some connections. Uh, really? Which one? Nope, not that one. Uh-huh, not that one either. And now we can't change channels in either bedroom or the kitchen. So, they are coming back tomorrow. I just cleaned up for them 10 days ago; I'm good til Christmas. Sorry.

I originally thought about sharing some of my (M)usic and (M)ovie collection with you, but I actually have plans with a friend of mine to start a movie review blog, so that will have to wait:

That's not the entire collection but a pretty good representation. I personally like how you can see the bookcase in the background. I can see a flamingo there, as well as my trash. I'm too busy to take another one. I have to go (M)ow the dandelions--no picture, sorry.

Glad to see lots of people went to visit Out of my Head. One little shout out and she passes me in followers. Awesome. No, really, I'm happy for her.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

(L)iberals and (L)obster

Yes, blogosphere, it is indeed my birthday today. And my what a day it has been.

I'll start with the (L)iberal first. I have no idea what her name is, really, but she is a hoot! And guess what? I think here comments are broke!! Luckily for her I know how to fix it, because it acts just like the problems ya'll were having with my comment section. I will email her about it tomorrow because I have already tapped the box o'wine and I have no other motivation now.

That was how my birthday started, with a comment from her. I then went to a meeting at the high school where my son was officially removed from the special education program. He is an exception, to be sure, but the people there have been super and they are responsible for a great deal of the progress he has made. Now if we can just keep him out or trouble, he may grow up to be a productive member of society. To his credit he has passed 3 of Mom's Random Piss Tests (MPRT) and we are continuing to let him live.

I left the meeting and picked up a friend and we went to Marion and ate lunch at the Red (L)obster. It was awesome...and we were right next door to Target! I bought new dish towels in orange, turquoise, and yellow (the colors I am going to paint my kitchen because they match my fiestaware) and a new book, The Help. I managed to talk myself out of buying an ipod touch because I would rather have a hot tub. Duh, who wouldn't.

I stopped at the custard stand in Sesser and bought myself 2 quarts of orange sherbet on the way home. I truly believe this is the world's best sherbet and I am looking forward to digging in. I think it will be marvelous with boxed zinfandel. I could have sworn it was sherbert but spell check insists there are not 2 r's in there.

Okay, just so we are clear:  It is my birthday and I am already drinking. If I leave you an inappropriate comment later on I am sorry. It probably was hilarious to me. And Rae, we need to meet in Marion sometime and go to Tequila's and have some of those drinks with the umbrella's in them!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Have you seen this?!??

Doesn't that just look like the most awesome thing ever? Oh my giddy god, no bread, just chicken filets! I'm not so sure about the "zesty sauce" but I have got to get me one of these. It's called a Double Down.

It has 540 calories, 32 grams of fat, and 1,380 mg of sodium and I absolutely must have one. I think I'm in love.

(I counted the words on this post; it's over 50 and I wrote a really long post yesterday so I'm calling it good. I really think the picture speaks for itself!)

Monday, April 12, 2010

I Killed (J)ohnny Cash's Dog

True story.

I moved to Hendersonville, TN when I was 15 years old. I was a freshman in high school and we moved in April, literally days after my birthday. I had to go back to middle school for 6 weeks. It was awful.

When you live around Nashville you just get used to seeing famous people in everyday places. I'm sure it's the same in LA or NYC. Only the famous people in Nashville aren't quite so fancy and they do a lot of their own shopping and whatnot. I worked at KMart for a long time. I helped Tom T. Hall find a mop. I showed knives to Jim Varney. I showed fishing reels to Grandpa Jones. I worked at Opryland the summer that the movie "Rhinestone" came out. I got to meet Dolly Parton and Sylvester Stallone (he's really short!) but I was more star-struck meeting Junior Samples and Lulu Roman.

Anyhoo, I had a friend that lived back in the neighborhood where Johnny Cash lived, right past Roy Orbison's house. Johnny's house is on a curve that was widened to accommodate all the tour buses. Of course I used to come barreling through there in my '77 T-bird much too fast--but you could get 25 points for each tourist you knocked down; 50 if you didn't hurt their camera. Kids were worth 100 because they are little and fast and harder to hit. I bet you think I'm kidding. I guarantee you they still play this game in Hendersonville, only with inflation and everything the points value are probably higher.

During my junior year Rena and I were really good friends and I spent a lot of time at her house (her mom had an awesome collection of fiestaware) so I of course passed back and forth in front of Johnny's a lot. I knew that dog was always there. He could hear that T-bird coming and he would assume the position. If I didn't see a tour bus as I was heading into the curve I had it made...I could just accelerate through the curve and hug the inside and the dog would never get near me. On the way back out I had to slow down heading into the curve but I was already on the inside curve and he never came that far into the road. Well, then Johnny had to go and get him some antelope and ostriches. He had some land across the road from his house, which was on Old Hickory Lake, and he brought in some exotic animals for whatever reason. I was 17 and had only seen things like that in a zoo, so this one particular day I was gawking at those awful-looking birds and all of a sudden ba-dump-a-thump!

Yep, front AND back tires. I don't know if you know how big a 1977 Ford Thunderbird was. BIG. He didn't feel a thing. Okay, that's probably not true. But he didn't feel it for long. I pull over and get out and the guard comes out of the guard shack and here comes Johnny's brother Roy running out of the house across the road. I'm crying, "Please tell me that wasn't Johnny's dog!" and Roy just nods his head.

"Oh god, I didn't even see him! I was looking at those freaky birds!"

"He hates Fords," the guard says. "He runs out after them all the time. It's the third time he's been hit; we knew it was just a matter of time."

"Tell Johnny I'm really sorry! Is he going to be ok? Do we need to take him to the vet or something?"

"It's too late for that. We'll take care of him. You go on home now."

That is the only dog I have ever run over. And all of that story is true except for the part about the dog hating Fords. Let's call it poetic license. Oh, and in case you're wondering, you don't get any points for hitting dogs because that's just mean.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

(I) Don't Have a Clue

It just didn't seem right to blog about me (I) for the I post when (I) blog about me every day. (I) wanted something else. You are about to get an unfortunate glimpse into my thought process:

(I)chthyology? Hmm. No fish. (I)ch. (I)ch. (I)chabod Crane? No. (I)chabod Crane from Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington (I)rving? Is that even correct? (I) don't know. (I)rving. (I)rving. (I)rving Berlin! Sure, I can write about my contentious relationship with my mother and how we would fight and/or hardly speak to each other all week long but on Sunday afternoons we would sit around drinking beer, reading Trivial Pursuit questions to each other, listening to big band music...there was bound to be some (I)rving Berlin in there somewhere!

So, you almost got to read that gem. Luckily for you my daughter suggested I write about the (i)ce cream we made for Easter. It was awesome!

Lemon Cheesecake (I)ce Cream

8 oz. cream cheese (or cottage cheese)
3 T. fresh lemon juice
2 egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 t. vanilla
1 cup half & half
2 egg whites

Puree cream cheese (or cottage cheese) with half & half in a blender. In a small bowl, beat egg yolks with sugar until thick and lemon colored. Add lemon juice and vanilla; stir well. Add pureed mixture and mix well.
In a medium bowl, beat egg whites until stiff and fold into mixture; chill until cold (about 1-2 hours). Pour well chilled mixture into ice cream machine and proceed according to manufacturer's directions.

(I) added a couple extra tablespoons of lemon juice. Oh, and that small bowl should probably be bigger.

Call me when it's ready!

Friday, April 9, 2010

(H)ousekeeping...or lack thereof

My bloggy friend Rae has mentioned several times on her blog what her housekeeping duties include. I don't think she likes to do all that mopping, and dusting, and vacuuming, and all the other nonsense she does. Every. Single. Week. But she does it anyway.

Me? Not so much. I tell people all the time that I just don't get bothered about that kind of stuff. Mind you, we're not living in squalor...but it is messy. And dusty:

As soon as I saw this I thought of Rae. She always has pictures on her blog that relate to her posts, but I don't think she takes most of them herself. Let me assure you, this is my headboard in my bedroom and I am the one who wrote "Dust Me". I especially like that wad of dust at the bottom of the "M". And I wanted to share this with her, and thank her for all of the comments and emails she has sent me, and for all the encouragement she has given me to continue with this challenge.

Posting everyday is not my strong suit, but I have been enjoying it very much, and love hearing from my new friends. Coming up with these posts is getting hard, though. Luckily my daughter came up with an idea for "I" tomorrow. It's way better than what I had in mind.

(H)ats off to you, Rae!

Thursday, April 8, 2010


I was born in Des Moines, IA. Although Iowa is a predominately agricultural state, Des Moines is not. Later we moved to the suburbs and that is where I spent all of my formative years. I tell you this so that you may understand that I am NOT a country girl. Yet I find myself living on a goat farm. In the country.

The lovely lady with the beard and the blue collar is Gabby. She was my first bottle fed goat. She used to love me best, but then puberty hit and she switched allegiance to my husband. She luuuurrrrrrves him. She starts rubbing her head on him as soon as he crosses the fence and then nibbles on his jeans. The runt next to her is Tinkerbell, and she is my latest project. Between Gabby and Tink there was Patrick and Henry, and Lucy and Ethel. Unfortunately bottle fed goats don't usually survive and those 4 are no longer with us. Tinkerbell doesn't know it yet, but she is headed to the big goat pasture in the sky in a month or two.

Please disregard the Beverly Hillbillies goat shed there. It was still cold when they started dropping kids and my husband was still unemployed so he just nailed up scrap lumber to keep the wind off them. Last year I think we lost about 40 kids to the elements. That includes the ones that got suffocated at the bottom of the goat piles. They would bunch up trying to get warm and the ones on the bottom would be dead, every morning. We only lost one this year, and it wouldn't have survived any way. It helped that we bred them later in the fall, too. You can see Gabby being the Alpha Female at around 0:55.

They all came running over to the feeder when they saw me outside. I wish I could have caught the babies doing their little hyper jumping and hopping thing. It's adorable.

This certainly isn't the life I envisioned growing up, but it really is a (g)ood one.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

(F)iestaware *UPDATED*

 Finally...the long awaited fiestaware post. Prepare to be dazzled, boys and girls. I am about to share with you my extensive fiestaware collection.

Yep. That's it. Isn't that the cutest darn pitcher you've ever seen? I put that on my amazon wishlist last Christmas and was fortunate enough to receive it. You know, it looked a LOT bigger in the picture. I just went back to amazon to take a screenshot so I could show you how I had been misled by the picture, and, well, I was misled by the picture. But, it clearly says 5 oz. mini pitcher. 5 oz. is not a lot. We put maple syrup in it one morning, but it was just one more thing I had to clean up.

The butter dish is the first piece I acquired and I bought it for myself. Well, I had an amazon gift certificate and that is what I used it on. It matches one of the paint colors in my kitchen.

Next came the aforementioned pitcher. Just last week I ordered the platter. That color was the cheapest and I needed a do the math.

I just noticed the post-it note stuck to my spice rack in that picture. That's a recipe for corndog batter. Mmmm. Gotta go.

I got an email from the Union Store (my husband is a heavy equipment operator Local 520) that they were having a 50% off sale. Did you know that fiestaware is union-made in the USA? I got a 67 1/4 oz. persimmon pitcher for $16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Normally he wouldn't be overly thrilled with my (in his opinion) unnecessary purchases, but union-made, honey! Helping the Brotherhood! Keeping America working! The wee little ones are only $6! Look at all the colors!! Gotta go!!

We Interrupt This Challenge

It is almost 2 am but I just can't sleep. I only had to work 8 hours today so I was home by midnightish. I am sitting here in my pj's catching up on all the blogs out there and looking at my COMMENTS. That's right, I said COMMENTS. I kicked Blogger's ass, ya'll, and I am still high. Well, it could be the wine. If I leave you a rude or inappropriate comment, it's the wine. I'm sorry.

I'm noticing, though, that I am not like the other bloggers out there, and when they find out, I really hope that they let me stay and play. I must say that although I like to say I am open-minded and don't discriminate against anyone, I guess I really do have a certain idea about (crap, I don't know how to say this) "certain people". And these "certain people" that I tend to believe are stupid and narrow-minded and, most of all, not funny--well it's just not true. They are hilarious! In a good way. I always just assumed that I wouldn't like them and they wouldn't like me, but they keep reading my blog. Now, they may just be monitoring me for Sarah Palin, but maybe they can see past my liberal agnosticism.

Oops! Cat's out of the bag now!

Well, I just thought I would warn you now, before we get to the letter T(ea) post. Yes, I drink a little too much wine on occasion. And leave what I believe are witty (and hilarious) comments on blogs that I stumble upon. And I am really foul-mouthed, but I am trying to dial that back a notch or 10 so I don't offend you. Yeah, that's not gonna last.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

(E)nter If You Dare

Thank you all for waiting so patiently while I flailed around trying to fix my comment section. I told Rae I was just going to go push some buttons on the Dashboard and that's pretty much what I did.

Until I noticed the one that said embedded. (Oh, look, my code is showing!)

The button next to embedded was selected, with the following disclaimer:
       The embedded comment form can not be used if you have Post Pages disabled.
(Didn't know I knew that one, too, did ya?)

To be quite honest, I have no freakin' clue what Post Pages are, or which one of you snuck in here and disabled them, but I told you I would figure it out!!!!

Just in time for my awesome F post tomorrow...I hope I can find that stupid camera.

Monday, April 5, 2010


Fine, Blogger, you win.

Sand Dollar is my template. It has the most orange in it, and we all know that I am obsessed with all things orange.

I don't know why you won't let me have comments on my pretty blog, Blogger. I think it's pretty racist, actually. Well, I don't know if racist is the right word, but it's pretty darn mean. Every one else has a pretty blog and just because the only code I know is <>, I can't have comments? It's not fair.

That's right. It's not fair . There...I used my code.

But I will win, Blogger. After I work my next 3 twelve hour shifts I will have a day off, probably. And then I will email my bloggy friend Rae and ask her to help me and I will have comments once more.

Or I will keep this butt-ugly template. One or the other. But I will have comments!

Sunday, April 4, 2010


Well, it is no longer (C)aturday, but my (c)omments are borked.

It's not unusual for me to have 0 comments, but with 5 new followers you would think that someone would at least say boo or something.

Evidently they would if they could. I changed layouts but still no go. I already have the lamest blog in the A to Z I'm gonna have the ugliest one, too.

Well, it's 2 am. I've already worked a 12 hour shift, gone Krogering, baked 2 dozen cupcakes, and spoke sternly and authoritatively to my blog. I feel gross and smell like a great big thing that they make at that place where I go 64+ hours a week. It's just gonna have to wait. I'll try to have it fixed by Mon(d)ay.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Happy (C)aturday

I am really kind of a grammar nazi so that makes my love of lolcats all the more mystifying.

The newspapers around here are pretty much a joke and I read them more to find the grammatical errors than to learn any real news. So, of course, I immediately noticed that in this lolcat they spelled cyootness wrong. See, those kind of things really bug me.

Friday, April 2, 2010


Yes, boys and girls, I am talking about our President. Yours and mine. Let's talk about health care reform, shall we?

Just kidding!

I had a dream about Big O this morning. Let me preface this by saying that I am not normally in my dreams (what do you think that says about my self esteem?). My dreams are more like tv shows or movies that I watch but don't participate in. Also, I almost never remember my dreams. Unless of course they are really weird.

So, Barack came to my house for chicken enchiladas. They are kind of my specialty and I guess he heard about it. And let me tell you, he LOVED them! The secret service guys wouldn't eat them and that kind of pissed me off, but that just left more for me and B. That's what I call him. B. We're tight like that.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

(A)pril Fool's Day

Today is my grandma's 86th birthday.

(Here is where I would show you a picture of my grandma but I can't find my camera and my scanner hates me. Get used to it.)

Grandma is pretty freakin' amazing. My grandparents live in Iowa and my grandfather has macular degeneration (along with a whole slew of other maladies) and is going blind. So Grandma drives them down to Florida every January. And she drives them there quickly if you know what I mean.

She exercises 4 days a week and does yoga and meditation every day. I just saw her on Monday and she showed me a picture of her and my cousin Amy's daughter, who is like 4, sitting on the floor underneath a card table coloring. On the floor! I'm 13 days shy of 44 and I can't do that.

My daughter is graduating from high school on May 23rd and they are planning on driving back down here to see it. Since my dad died I've really been feeling orphaned, being here in the this god-forsaken place with no family. (Usually I don't mind it too much...I don't like people all up in my bidness). But this is a big deal and I want to share it with the people I love most and I am really glad they are going to be here.

Happy Birthday, Doris!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Next Blog>

Who decides the next blog you see when you click that link at the top of the page?

First I get a lot of SAHM zealots, which, yay for you...where's that link?

Um, Italian.


Pretentious "godless homosexual" in Columbia MO. Not as witty as he thinks he is.

Chinese popstar fansite.

Italian football team. Hubba hubba.

Viva Cuba! Isn't it against the law for me to be here? Don't we still hate Cuba?

There was a really cute one but it was all about her poor mother's rapidly declining health. Very sad.

Last time I got to clicking around it was a lot of Portuguese sites. Another time it was Arab. They are interesting to look at but I don't understand a thing.

Well, people probably feel that way about my blog, too, huh?

(I was supposed to be about my 3 pieces of fiesta ware. Maybe tomorrow.)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Meet Fred

Fred was my Valentine's Day present this year.

I have an awesome husband, in case you didn't know. He indulges my inner white-trash obsession with pink flamingos.

I am sitting in a room that is maybe 12 feet by 15 feet and there are one, two, SEVEN flamingos in here. And two more outside on the porch.

Three of these were gifts from my friends Beth and Susan. Most recently Susan got me a pair of plastic flamingos that I couldn't possibly put outside. It's not because I'm afraid of what the neighbors would think (fuck them). No, the dogs would chew them up. So my wonderful, handy husband mounted (heh...I said mounted) them in wood blocks. Wood blocks that he painted pink! And they live atop the shelf of my desk that you can see there in the picture. You can also see 1 of 4 power strips that live in this room. I have a lot of crap.

And yes, I just happen to have some pink paint laying around the house because I picked out the most atrocious trio of paint from Lowe's last winter and my husband and kids painted my kitchen for me. The trim is pink. More accurately, the trim is fruit punch. I hate it. As soon as he gets back to working those long-ass days I am going to go buy some more paint and change it. I didn't think everyone else would like to look at an orange and turquoise kitchen so I picked a soft yellow and what turned out to be lavender. Hideous. I can maybe live with the yellow, but I am going to change the lavender to turquoise and the fruit punch trim will become orange. Tang perhaps...just swap one fruity beverage for another. And it probably sounds even more hideous than it really is. The only thing painted yellow and lavender is the crappy paneling around the bulkhead above the cabinets. The walls are still white. The fruit punch trim goes all the way around the ceiling.

Why these colors you ask? I don't really know, other than these are the colors of the fiesta ware that I dearly want but do not have. I spend hours on amazon looking at all of the ridiculously priced fiesta ware, dreaming. Dreaming of the day when they will live in my kitchen. Living in my kitchen in their own special cabinet. Their own special cabinet that does not exist. It's my dream, remember?

I do actually have 3 pieces--I know what my next post is about!

I'm Optimistic...

Yeah, that's the name of my new layout.


That is not the word that most would use to describe me.

Bitchy. That would be one. Mean. That would be another.

But, no, I choose to be optimistic. Life is going to Hell in a hand basket all around me and I am trying to come out on the other side unscathed.

I might just make it.

I have cake.

And wine.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Back to the Beginning

Well, I think I have the comment (or lack thereof) situation handled.

Ack, my blog is ugly. I have already declared tomorrow a computer day--I have lots of very important stuff to do. Like load an mp3 player full of motown. And prettify my blog. (Hey, prettify is a word, according to spell check).

Do you know that I compose the most awesome blog posts while I am laying in bed, either right before I go to sleep or right before I get up in the morning? The morning ones are kinda wacky, but they are hilarious. You would really like them.

Too bad I never write them.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Well, FebBloPo is kaput.

Didn't take me long, but it's the middle of winter and not much interesting is happening. Other than me being molested by a blood hound. What more do you people want from me?

Friday, February 5, 2010


Who's got a new widget?

I do!


The weather is absolute crap and I am sick of it. To make matters worse, yahoo mocks me. I have my local weather on my home page but it insists on also showing me Brazil. Everyday I go in and take it out. Every time I restart it, it's back:

I'm calling The Shat to have him help me book a flight on priceline. See you later.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


My head is still swimming from all the new information I learned last night.

The Man in Black/John Locke is the Smoke Monster!

Desmond was on the plane!

Shannon wasn't!

Sayid was dead--and then he wasn't!

The re-cap on is 7 pages long today. I had to give it a rest after 3 and a half pages. I'll try to finish it tonight. I haven't read Inferno since 11th grade. I'm a little rusty...I hope there won't be a pop quiz at the end!

Monday, February 1, 2010


NaBloPoMo isn't just for November. No, you get a chance every month to blog every day. Evidently February being the shortest month is a huge selling point...thought I'd give it another try.

The theme for this month is ties. I am an orphaned only child so I should run out of tie posts fairly quickly.

See you tomorrow!

Mad Dog

This happened about a week ago. I probably should have written about it while it was fresher in my memory, but it was still too traumatic. Yes, I was traumatized by a blood hound. It's okay, you can laugh. Every one else has...everyone but me.

Last Sunday my dog (you know, Sheriff John T. Chance, aka Chance) went missing. We were pretty sure what had happened. The neighbor has a blood hound named Al (as in Al Capone?) who breaks thru his radio fence and runs to our house every chance he gets, which lately has been daily. He shows up and he and Chance frolic and wrestle and take turns being top dog in the doggy-style. Chance has about 2 acres or so in his fence area so they run from one side to the other chewing each others ears and snapping at each others feet. Evidently during one of these passes they got close to the fence and just barreled right on thru it (to be clear, this is conjecture...we don't know how he got out exactly, but think this is pretty close to how it happened).

Once he found himself on the other side of the fence there was no way he was going to take the shock coming back across. He was seen, with Al, in our yard arund 3:30 pm. He was missing at 4. The only dog at our house then was Katie (aka Katie Elder).
I was at work and found out about all this at 7:30 when I called home. The Big Man had spent a couple of hours looking for them. A hunter had spotted them about a quarter of a mile away in a pasture, headed for the woods. So Big Daddy looks and looks, but can't find them anywhere.

I decided to take the long way around on my way home after work that night. I had been to the grocery and it was about 12:15 am. Lo and behold I found the two frolicking puppies just exiting a stand of cane. I stopped my truck, got out and called Chance and he came running to get in. Unfortunately, Al bounded right on up after him. I grabbed him by his collar and tried to pull him out and he growled at me. Then he tried to bite me. Nice.

I shut the door and did a little jumping up and down and a little more yelling and screaming. Chance curled up in the driver's seat to take a nap while Al sprawled across the console and licked his head. Chance's head. Al then tried to curl up in the passenger seat but couldn't quite fit because of my gi-normous dinner bucket. Oh, did I mention that they were both very, very muddy? And have you ever seen the size of a blood hound's paws? So, I open the door and attempt to scoot Chance out of my seat so I could just drive them to our house. He was having none of that. So I had my left foot on the running board, my right foot on the brake, my left hand on the steering wheel. I reach up to the steering column with my right hand to drop it into gear and the frickin' dog lunges at me and tries to bite me again. Motherfucker.

I'm done. Luckily I had my cell phone with me so I called and woke up The Man. This is already a really long post, so I'll just cut to the chase. We got the dogs out of my truck. Chance jumped in Man's truck. When Al tried to follow Man tried to stop him and he nearly took Man's arm off. Man beat him with maglite. Al jumped in Man's truck anyway. Had a little trouble rousing neighbor from his slumber...finally did. He managed to coax his dog into his truck. The End.

Well, it was the end for Al. I like to think he had a brain tumor and was going to die soon anyway. But I had a dream that he was inside the house last night, growling at me.

I am traumatized for life.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Ok, I've spent so much time playing with my layout I just don't feel like posting now.

BTW, thank you Rae. I was trying to figure out what the scary snake thingy was on your blog and I noticed the PYZAM logo. That's when I realized that you weren't coding that page by yourself. I really thought you were some kind of blog designing genius and I was too embarrassed to ask you how you did it. So I googled blogger layouts and now I have a new one!

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I don't feel like posting. I keep resting my head in my hand with my elbow propped up on the desk and then I move a little and this shooting pain-like sensation shoots through my arm and then it jerks (my arm) and sends my head sailing through the air. It feels like it goes a long way, but it probably doesn't. So I stop propping my elbow up but then I forget and do it all over again.

And that's all I really have to post about.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

My New Year

OK, I have a strict rule about not blogging after imbibing, but we'll see how it turns out. I only have one reader and she only shows up every few days so I can always delete this if it stinks too bad.

Now that Christmas is over, we are really and truly broke. B. R. O. K. E. Our gas tank is at 40% so it is 60 degrees in my house right now. I have $11 in my bank account. And I am so sick of ham and beans. But thank goodness our neighbor gave us a ham for Christmas!

Tomorrow is my niece's 12th birthday and I had the foresight to buy her present back in the early days of December when I had money. My sister-in-law will feed us lunch, so there is another meal where I won't have to eat ham and beans (hopefully).

It is a New Year so of course I have made the same old resolution to lose weight. Since I have no money that might actually be possible this year!

Oy...this is depressing. You know what? I am going to stop wallowing in this no money nonsense and concentrate on the positive. I am leaving a much smaller carbon footprint! I am going to lose weight! I am going to cut back on my alcohol consumption!