Sunday, June 5, 2011

How to Make a Gimlet (with Pictures!)

So, here is how a wino with a poorly stocked bar mixes a fancy cocktail:

First you need to assemble your ingredients

Now, assemble your, um, mixing paraphernalia

That's what I am using as a shot glass these days, because I have lost my Graceland jigger. It once held a fake rose and was hugged by a teddy bear. I believe it was a (lame) Valentine's gift. Note the time, please.

This is now my cocktail shaker.

Well, I don't really eat salads, so I don't need to mix my own dressing, do I? All I can say is thank god I didn't throw it away.

So, the recipe on the lime juice bottle says to combine 1 ounce of lime juice

with 2 ounces of vodka or gin

in a cocktail shaker

My, that doesn't look like very much. I'd better double it. Then you strain it over ice.

See that garlic salt container? That was going to be my shaker, and I have a feeling that it would not have tasted too good. Again, thank god I didn't throw that vinaigrette bottle away.

Seven minutes later...I have the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted. Really. It's like kerosene. Or maybe turpentine. Yuck. My throat and esophagus are on fire.

Ah, that's better.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I Don't Have Time For This!

I managed to stay away a whole month! And in that time I have discovered Angry Birds on the iPad and I really don't have time for y'all anymore. But since I am still getting comments on my hotel sex post (With my wife? Really?) I figured we could do a little catch up.

Of course the hotel sex was fabulous, but wasn't that much out of the ordinary, really. Let's see what I can remember...I walked! OUTSIDE!! The fancy casino was all booked up so we stayed at a cute little place just around the corner from there. We went to The Fabulous Fox to see A Prairie Home Companion and it was, of course, awesome. My husband even enjoyed it. We went back to the hotel and started the alcoholic part of the trip. I then broke out the fancy bra I had bought for the occasion, and the slutty purple top, filled the complimentary Styrofoam coffee cup with Riesling, stowed my slutty shoes in my purse (which is a lot like Hermione's in The Deathly Hallows) and set off for the casino. Yes, my friends, I walked outside for three-quarters of a mile. And part of it was uphill. Drinking wine in a Styrofoam cup (spell-check insists that I capitalize Styrofoam). I stole a paper, because the only reason I can get my husband to agree to these little outings once a year is that I make his traveling as comfortable as possible; I remembered to bring the Charmin, but I forgot the reading material, so I "acquired" some and added it to the booty in my magical purse. We walked around and my amazing husband convinced me that it would be okay to go all out and eat at the seafood restaurant so I could have some oysters, and we dropped $100 on dinner. If you only knew what a tightwad he is you would appreciate what a big deal that was. And? He kissed me in public, which is something else he never does. It must have been the slutty top. We then went to the casino, determined to make $20 last a while. It didn't, but we enjoyed how much attention the slutty purple top got. We took a cab home and he didn't charge us because I ran upstairs and got him a bag full of ice because he had slammed his hand in the door right before we got in (he was watching a bachelorette party disembark from a limo and wasn't paying attention to what he was doing). Then, you know, awesome hotel sex, yadda yadda.

On the way home we stopped at the mall and bought a $4000 Sleep Number bed. Again:  Husband = Tightwad, so pretty fucking amazing, as is that bed. I'm a 45; he was a 65 but is now a 70. I tried 25 one night and it was exquisite until I couldn't get out of the bed the next morning. I finally had to quit jacking around with it and just leave it on 45. My son graduated on the 22nd and everyone under the age of 45 took a ride in that bed during his party. I'd start them out at 100, which is as hard as granite, then take them down to 5, then let them find their own sleep number. I could work there, I swear.

What else? I created a new drink: fancy gin from Seattle, mixed with the most delicious orange sherbert from the custard stand in Sesser, with a splash of 7up. I call it a Big Orange Christmas Tree.

I discovered a new lemonade wine from Wildlife Winery called Trouble-licious and it is divine. I thought it was affordable, too, until I just fished it out of the trash to see what it was called and saw that it is $14.99. Oh, well, it was really yummy.

Hmm, well that's my last month in a nutshell. Maybe I can at least post once a week--give Angry Birds updates or something. I am currently on level 4 and suspect that is where I will be this time next week. Fucking pigs, they laugh at me when I don't kill them. If they wouldn't wear those little helmets it would be easier.