Agnostic Nativity

Look at ME

Heeheeheeeheeeee

This is my very first boxo'chardonnay. I told Mr. Whine to pick that up because I don't like chardonnay.

But guess what?

I doooooooooooo. Lurrrrrvvvvvvvveeeeeeee chardonnayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

This is my first wine buzz since I don't even know when. And it. Is. AWESOME. Also? It is 5 pm. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Christmas decorating can wait. I have wine to drink. And obnoxious comments to leave. (I was stone cold sober when I left THAT comment on your blog, I swear).

Hint Hint

I need a wine decanter.

I'm Not Just Negative...

...I'm HIV negative.

You don't watch South Park, do you? Well you should. Then you would know how hilarious that is.

Oh. Also? I no longer have Hepatitis C. I have a kick-ass immune system, evidently. And 10 liters of wine a week is apparently good for my liver. Yes. It is. Yes.

I am so fucking happy I can't stand myself.

Here's Another One

It was so disheartening to find out that Serge was insincere in his love for my blog! And he is also a Pisces and a Gemini. I get all kinds of "anonymous" comments...have you received one like this?

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "(Z)oloft...":

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Posted by Anonymous to Box o' Whine at November 13, 2011 6:50 PM
  
How about this one:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Tooting My Own Horn":

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Posted by Anonymous to Box o' Whine at November 13, 2011 7:09 PM

But here is my personal favorite (it wasn't a comment, but an email, but still):

Hi I met you at a friends up in New Milford a while ago.. please read

			X

	Inbox		X

Reply

Juan Cano jncano80@gmail.com to me

show details Jul 25

Hi how are you... I met you at a friends house a while ago I never really got a chance to talk to you and I thought you were super hot and really wanted to maybe take you out. Anyway, it's been a long time and I had no way of getting in touch with you since I stopped talking to your friend immediately after that. You and I exchanged a few words in which you mentioned your blog and I FINALLY!!! remembered the name the other day so here's to hoping you get this email. I thought you were really hot, and I would love to get together and have some drinks, or a lot of them lol... anyway I attached my pictures see if you remember me and if you'd like to hang out. It would be great to hear from you even if to say you're not interested, I guess just to know I did get to reach you rather than not know for sure.

Juan

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Glad to know someone thinks I'm Hot!

 

Jooble

I got this email today...let's take a look, shall we?

Hello!

I just want to thank you for your wonderful blog boxowhine.blogspot.com.

I read the post "Do You Want the Good News or the Bad News?" and then I spent another hour on your blog by reading your posts with pleasure :) Every article is interesting and easy to read. I really like the "Free to Good Home...".

I work for Jooble company, we aggregate job adverts around the world.

My job is to persuade bloggers to link to our site.

I really love my job! We have a friendly team and good management, but unfortunately I have no idea how to convince a blogger to link to us, I'm afraid I might lose my job because of it :(

And that is why, instead of sending letters to thousands of different blogs, I am reading yours.

Honestly, I am not really sure if the link to our website in United States - jooble-us.com, will be appropriate for your blog, but if you believe it will and it is possible to add it, I would be really grateful to you! Our site is really cool, it can greatly help hundreds of people to find jobs.

I wish you to have a good day and excellent mood! Thanks again for your nice blog. Write more! Thanks!

P.S. I am a Aries by zodiac sign too :)

 

 

Best regards,

Serge Lavange
Account Manager

Tel: +44 (0) 800 098 8516
E-mail: sl@jooble.com
Skype: serge.lavange

www.jooble.org 



I really appreciate Serge taking the time to read and it makes me so happy that he enjoyed my bad news about having hepatitis C.  I have no idea how to link anything so, if you are looking for a job, why don't you try jooble? And if you have any debilitating diseases, shoot me an email. We can commiserate!

Do You Want the Good News or the Bad News?

Oh wait...there isn't any good news.

And yet I am drinking.  Hmmm.

I told y'all you were invited, and you are. But see all those spices surrounding that eensy weensy little wine glass? They are there because I have mice in my drawers. Yes ma'am. And in my cabinets. I don't have time to whine about my good-for-nothing liver cuz I gots me a mouse to kill.

And some wine to drink. When it is gone...well I guess I am done. At least for the time being. And if it is really bad? Well then, I am having one hell of a party, mouse poop or no. See you there.

Free to Good Home...

One gently used bag o'wine (formerly box o'wine; box was removed for easier refrigerator storage).
New owner must promise to drink from a large wine glass and think of me.

That's right friends, my liver has betrayed me. I won't bore you with all the details; just know that for the time being I am wineless. And vodkaless. And ginless. And did I mention NO WINE????!!?

I would be totally convinced that life is not worth living if a certain statin that I began taking a month ago was not suspected at coercing my liver into trying to kill me. I will give it 2 weeks and if things don't look any better, you are all invited to my house and we will all drink and drink and drink until I am dead.

It may take a while.

Tooting My Own Horn

Okay, if we're talking about bragging about one's own accomplishments, I am not that one.

But there are 2 things in this world of which I am certain. First, I am the world's best quarters player. Guaranteed. I'll kick your ass every time.

Secondly, I make a damn fine meatloaf.

This may or may not be it. Don't tell anybody, but there are carrots in there. And some celery. I know, that is sacrilegious, but I am trying to help my husband out, without him noticing it. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Happy Birthday, America!

So, this is how we celebrate in Bumfuck (yes, it is rather underwhelming):

How to Make a Gimlet (with Pictures!)

So, here is how a wino with a poorly stocked bar mixes a fancy cocktail:

First you need to assemble your ingredients

Now, assemble your, um, mixing paraphernalia

That's what I am using as a shot glass these days, because I have lost my Graceland jigger. It once held a fake rose and was hugged by a teddy bear. I believe it was a (lame) Valentine's gift. Note the time, please.

This is now my cocktail shaker.

Well, I don't really eat salads, so I don't need to mix my own dressing, do I? All I can say is thank god I didn't throw it away.

So, the recipe on the lime juice bottle says to combine 1 ounce of lime juice

with 2 ounces of vodka or gin

in a cocktail shaker

My, that doesn't look like very much. I'd better double it. Then you strain it over ice.

See that garlic salt container? That was going to be my shaker, and I have a feeling that it would not have tasted too good. Again, thank god I didn't throw that vinaigrette bottle away.

Seven minutes later...I have the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted. Really. It's like kerosene. Or maybe turpentine. Yuck. My throat and esophagus are on fire.

Ah, that's better.

I Don't Have Time For This!

I managed to stay away a whole month! And in that time I have discovered Angry Birds on the iPad and I really don't have time for y'all anymore. But since I am still getting comments on my hotel sex post (With my wife? Really?) I figured we could do a little catch up.

Of course the hotel sex was fabulous, but wasn't that much out of the ordinary, really. Let's see what I can remember...I walked! OUTSIDE!! The fancy casino was all booked up so we stayed at a cute little place just around the corner from there. We went to The Fabulous Fox to see A Prairie Home Companion and it was, of course, awesome. My husband even enjoyed it. We went back to the hotel and started the alcoholic part of the trip. I then broke out the fancy bra I had bought for the occasion, and the slutty purple top, filled the complimentary Styrofoam coffee cup with Riesling, stowed my slutty shoes in my purse (which is a lot like Hermione's in The Deathly Hallows) and set off for the casino. Yes, my friends, I walked outside for three-quarters of a mile. And part of it was uphill. Drinking wine in a Styrofoam cup (spell-check insists that I capitalize Styrofoam). I stole a paper, because the only reason I can get my husband to agree to these little outings once a year is that I make his traveling as comfortable as possible; I remembered to bring the Charmin, but I forgot the reading material, so I "acquired" some and added it to the booty in my magical purse. We walked around and my amazing husband convinced me that it would be okay to go all out and eat at the seafood restaurant so I could have some oysters, and we dropped $100 on dinner. If you only knew what a tightwad he is you would appreciate what a big deal that was. And? He kissed me in public, which is something else he never does. It must have been the slutty top. We then went to the casino, determined to make $20 last a while. It didn't, but we enjoyed how much attention the slutty purple top got. We took a cab home and he didn't charge us because I ran upstairs and got him a bag full of ice because he had slammed his hand in the door right before we got in (he was watching a bachelorette party disembark from a limo and wasn't paying attention to what he was doing). Then, you know, awesome hotel sex, yadda yadda.

On the way home we stopped at the mall and bought a $4000 Sleep Number bed. Again:  Husband = Tightwad, so pretty fucking amazing, as is that bed. I'm a 45; he was a 65 but is now a 70. I tried 25 one night and it was exquisite until I couldn't get out of the bed the next morning. I finally had to quit jacking around with it and just leave it on 45. My son graduated on the 22nd and everyone under the age of 45 took a ride in that bed during his party. I'd start them out at 100, which is as hard as granite, then take them down to 5, then let them find their own sleep number. I could work there, I swear.

What else? I created a new drink: fancy gin from Seattle, mixed with the most delicious orange sherbert from the custard stand in Sesser, with a splash of 7up. I call it a Big Orange Christmas Tree.

I discovered a new lemonade wine from Wildlife Winery called Trouble-licious and it is divine. I thought it was affordable, too, until I just fished it out of the trash to see what it was called and saw that it is $14.99. Oh, well, it was really yummy.

Hmm, well that's my last month in a nutshell. Maybe I can at least post once a week--give Angry Birds updates or something. I am currently on level 4 and suspect that is where I will be this time next week. Fucking pigs, they laugh at me when I don't kill them. If they wouldn't wear those little helmets it would be easier.

That's Right...

I quit. But don't worry about me. I'm across the river getting ready to have hotel sex. Not motel sex; hotel sex. It's more expensive.

Uh Oh

Ha, no one even noticed that I didn't really post on Friday and Saturday. My awesome job saw to it that I worked 6 days this week and I just totally forgot. When I remembered I thought my Uh Oh post would be my quitting the challenge, but I didn't want to hear Rae whine. So I hurried up and wrote S and T and back-posted them (I love that feature in blogger) and now I am all caught up. Is it me or is this challenge not nearly as much fun as last year? I think it is just so big that there is no way to get around to all the other blogs, and in turn they are not getting around to my blog. And I don't want to be a writer when I grow up (because factory work is so much more fulfilling) and I have no idea what a query is and I am completely confused about what 99% of the other bloggers are talking about. I want to drink and write silly things and be sorry about it the next day. Count me out next year.

Turducken

 

Have you ever had this? It's amazing!

Ingredients

1 3 lb whole chicken, boned
salt and pepper to taste
Creole seasoning to taste
1 4 lb duck, boned
1 16 lb turkey, boned
3 cups prepared sausage and oyster dressing

 

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Lay the boned chicken skin-side down on a platter and season liberally with salt, pepper and Creole seasoning. Lay the boned duck skin-side down on top of the chicken and season liberally with salt, pepper and Creole seasoning. Cover and refrigerate.
2. Lay the boned turkey skin-side down on a flat surface. Cover with a layer of cold Sausage and Oyster Dressing and push the dressing into the leg and wing cavities so they will look as if they still have bones in them.
3. Lay the duck on top of the turkey skin-side down and cover it with a layer of cold dressing. Lay the chicken on top of the duck skin-side down and cover it with a layer of cold dressing.
4. With the help of an assistant, bring the edges of the turkey skin up and fasten them together with toothpicks. Use the kitchen string to lace around the toothpicks to help hold the stuffed turkey together. Carefully place the turducken, breast up in a large roasting pan.
5. Roast covered for 4 hours or until the turducken is golden brown. Continue to roast uncovered for 1 hour or until a meat thermometer inserted through the thigh registers 180 degrees F. and a thermometer inserted through the stuffing registers 165 degrees F. Check the turducken every few hours to baste and remove excess liquid. There will be enough pan juices for a gallon of gravy. Carve and serve.

Shampoo and Sh!t

For a not very pretty woman, I have a lot of hair stuff.

I have 22 kinds of shampoos and conditioners. And most of it is not the cheap stuff, though I have my fair share of that, too.

And then there are the sprays and gels and oils and serums (17). I personally paid for Paul Mitchell's vacation home in the south of France last year.

I seriously considered calling off from work last Wednesday because we didn't have any power. Our water heater is gas so I took my shower by lantern light and was in the process of packing up a small percentage of my stash, including my ion hair dryer with diffuser, so I could get ready in the shower room at work when power was restored. So I loaded my hair up with product and hurried to the living room to watch an episode of Scrubs before I dried my hair and got dressed. It takes 22 minutes if you fast forward through the commercials.

Responsible Drinking

I really miss those days when it wasn't the biggest sin in the world to drive around in your car drinking beer. On Fridays, after work,my friend Mary and I would go to the blind school and spring her sister, Miss Dorothy. She'd climb into the backseat with her portable casio keyboard and we would head to the Pilot or Aztec and each get a 6 pack. Then we would drive around in the country and drink our beers and sing old motown songs. Eventually we would have to find a place to pee. I bet I have peed in almost every church parking lot in Rutherford County, Tennessee. Then we would go home to our stupid (now ex) husbands and resume our dreary lives. But for that hour or so every Friday night we were blissfully happy, and I miss those girls so much.

Qu'est Que Se

J'ai pris le français mon année d'étudiant de première année dans le collège. Je voulais toujours apprendre. J'ai cru que c'était une belle langue. Au milieu du terme j'avais un A. Je ne suis jamais retourné à la classe. Andouille.

(Run it through the translator here. I thought andouille was a cajun sausage. Evidently it is french for schmuck.)
(And I did NOT want to teach...I wanted to learn.)(Translators are not that great at translating.)

Promenade and Do-Si-Do

Okay, first the bad news...a young riesling lost it's life in my kitchen tonight. I was about 18 inches from the table and the dang bag broke and wine went every. where. Everywhere. Criminy what a mess. And sticky. And sad and heartbreaking cuz it was 1.5 liters and I was gonna drink that badboy. A moment of silence, please.

And now? Prom!

Yes, he is a special boy who hates having his picture taken. Has nothing to do with his alcohol-addled mother who turns the camera off instead of taking the picture.

I swear to god, he makes that face every time I try to take his picture! Stoopid digital cameras have that delay and I push the button and he looks normal, and then he makes that face & the camera snaps.

See, that boy doesn't have a job anymore and that friggin' tux cost $120 to rent (thank god he already had those awesome shoes) and the flowers were $30, and tickets were $65, and oh my god, I'm not buying you dinner, too, am I? No, I threw 2 sheets over the card table and went to big lots and got a table cloth, placemats, and napkins (because I don't own any of those things) and slapped some LED tea candles in a jar of glass discs and VOILA! Dinner at Chez Christy.

He is sticking his tongue out because I am taking his picture. He took off all his clothes and Alexx is in one of my lab coats from work. Oh, when he came back from picking her up and saw the transformed front room, aka Chez Christy, he said, "Lame, Mom." Knife through the heart. I slaved over fettuccine alfredo and rhubarb cheesecake after getting up at 1:50 in the morning to go to work early so I could leave early to go to big lots to buy all that crap and be lame. Awesome.

And yet I still let him drive my car. Crazy, I know.

But I think he had a good time.

Old Friend

My high school bff Leslie's daughter broke her arm & Leslie took this video of her in the ER. Erica said she wanted it posted to youtube so her friends could see how goofy she was acting. It is hilarious!

New Friend

So, I got to meet the super-awesome Rae today, and she was even cuter than her etsy profile picture! She plied me with chocolate for my birthday, and I shared my birthday cake with her. (By the way, Rae, that wine was disgusting!)

We found out we had some things in common, mostly about our husbands. First, neither one is terribly enthused about our blogging. Secondly, they are both totally out of touch with how much a week's worth of groceries cost. And lastly, they are both union workers; hers is a pipefitter and mine is a heavy equipment operator. That makes this relationship much more palatable to my husband, even though she drives a Ford. At least it was a truck.

Hopefully we will be able to get together more...I really want her to come over and play dancing games on the wii and kinect. And sing karaoke! I am awesome at karaoke. I usually feel pretty good about my writing, too, but that last paragraph reminds me of a grade-school essay! And that last sentence is a dangling participle, or one of those things that you're not supposed to do. Argh, my head hurts.

Time for (better) wine...Chocovine is gross!

My My My *updated*

Yeah, I know. My title's are awesome.

My cake:

It's not so pretty. In fact, it's cracked. But it tasted good. And yes, that is box o'riesling precariously close to the edge of the table.

My trash:

We only used 2 sticks of butter, and I think it was all in the cake. Wait, no, one was melted to go on the tortillas for the beef chimichangas. Yes, there was a menu change. Beef Bourguignon is just beef stew. Wasn't feeling it. There was a pint of sour cream and a brick of cream cheese in the bread bowl dip, however. And I woke up and remembered the shrimp, out on the counter all night. Oops.

My new shoes:

They hurt. But they're cute. I need someone to buckle them for me. It wasn't pretty in the Target parking lot.

Since it is still my birthday week, I will make a rhubarb cheesecake and then play dance dance revolution on the wii. I treat myself well on my birthday (week).

**How could I forget to tell you?  Slutty was in charge all day, and finally got naked @ 10pm!**

Larry and Fred

Larry is in blue; Fred, as always, is in pink.

So, the birthday begins. In case you didn't know, I am deep in the throes of menopause and it causes some disruptions around my house. You never know which Christy is going to show up from day to day. I had a pretty strong feeling that Bitchy Christy was going to pop out to celebrate my birthday, but I think Weepy Christy managed to subdue her and lock her in the closet. So now I just have to wait and see if Weepy Christy wants some cake...I don't think she does. "I Beat Anorexia" Christy is probably going to eat it all.

It is 8:15! I should still be in bed. Instead I am showered and have my contacts in. That must mean that I am going to wear make-up today. That's Slutty Christy...she's, well, slutty. But she's a lot of fun. No one told her that family is coming over around 7 tonight; that's when the sluttiness usually happens here. She's gonna probably untie Bitchy Christy when she finds out.

So, I'm off to the big city grocery store, I guess. Yes, I travel an hour to go to this huge grocery store that has sushi and cooked shrimp, all kinds of hummus, cheese from all over the world, and a liquor store. And it is in a shopping center with a Target. So, Bonus! Then I will begin preparing the feast.

And waiting for Weepy, Bitchy, and Slutty to blow out the candles.

Kinky Toes

Look, I am really running out of things to tell you people. I went to Chili's with the girls today, then to the spa for a pedi.

Then, I picked some rhubarb so I can make my own birthday cake/treatish thingy. And I think I will go to the butcher in the morning and make myself beef bourguinon. Why yes, I did watch Julie & Julia this morning. Then Friday perhaps I will finally meet Rae. That will cap off my birthday week!

Remember: wine, chocolate, cheese, flamingos and Tennessee. I'll be waiting patiently.

Justin Bieber...Only Better

I I I

I just continue to entertain and amaze. First, I didn't write about my super-awesome car on C day. And today I will not write about my super-awesome iPad. Look, I missed the r in the link up there and I'm too lazy to fix it.

No, today it really is all about I I I! Because it's my birthday week!!  Yay!!

Yes, I am an only child; why do you ask? 

FOCUS, PEOPLE!

Okay, I like wine, and chocolate, and cheese, and flamingos, and haikus. And anything UT related. No, not Utah, University of Tennessee. (Oof, that's my first-ever blog post; wow.)

I will be waiting for all the presents and what-not on Thursday...aka the day the Titanic sunk and Lincoln was shot (I believe; something happened to him on April 14).

Here I Come To Save The Day!

I had to run over to Tossing it Out to make sure we weren't all posting about housekeeping today, like we did last year.

Don't you feel better about your own home now? That's mostly my recycling all over Buckethead's futon. Oh, and my crutches. And a Nashville Predators jersey, size small. No one in this house is a small anything. (Tell my husband I said that, would ya?). A shoe box that looks like a cigar box. Little teeny tiny chocolate bottles filled with liquor (how are those still here?). One lonely bottle of canola oil in a box--we buy in bulk.

How about my kitchen table?

Well, that's much better. Two packages of tortillas. Two books (Water for Elephants and I Love it When You Talk Retro). Um, a box of bandaids. Hot dog buns. Saltines. Oooh, chocolates. A can of tomatoes, petite diced. Lots of newspapers. And cups. And reusable grocery bags. Hey! Cupcakes! Horseradish Cheddar potato chips. What is that by the tomatoes? BUGLES! I love Bugles!!


So, there. I win. I better go clean those Bugles the table off.

Get Over It

That's right, it's beer thirty and I don't want to write a post, so here's a recipe:

Grape Salad

serves 15

2 lbs green seedless grapes
2 lbs red seedless grapes
8 oz sour cream
8 oz cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract


Topping:
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup crushed pecans, to taste


Wash and stem grapes. Set aside. Mix sour cream, cream cheese, white sugar
and vanilla by hand until blended. Stir grapes into mixture and pour into large bowl.


For topping: Combine brown sugar and crushed pecans. Sprinkle over
top of grapes to cover completely.

Chill overnight.


Okay, if you are new here, just know that all the recipes I post contain either sour cream, cream cheese, or lots of butter. Usually it's a trifecta of artery-clogging goodness. You're welcome.

Fan Girlzzzzzzz

Can you tell that all you can drink Budweiser (it is St. Louis, after all) was included in our ticket price? And Lisa, the pretty one with no glasses, was our DD. Those are my sunglasses on the left. Beth is the pretty one in the center who is even worse than me at taking pictures.

Here's some I took:

There's Albert Douche-holes. He had a terrible day yesterday, unlike me. Did I also mention the all you can eat food? Those tickets were only $50 and I drank $75 in beer and ate at least $20 in food. Better make that $25; I forgot about that cookie I got to go with my last beer.

There's Fredbird attacking someone. He does that a lot.


It was an awesome day. I am not an outside person. At all. But it was in the shade, and the beer and food was inside. I sat outside most of the time and made fun of all the people in the cheap seats. I could definitely be persuaded to do that again.